Victim Tips pt 2: Children

RAISE YOUR VOICE!

If you are a child living in a home where there is a lot of yelling and swearing, throwing things, pushing or hitting – this is called family violence. Witnessing family violence can be very upsetting and frightening. Violence in the home is always wrong and it is never the child’s fault. These tips may help you learn more about types of violence, how to stay safe, what to do, where and how to get help if you or someone you love is being hurt or threatened.

Often children think they have done something to cause the violence in their family. This is not true, but sometimes you might:

IF YOU THINK YOU OR SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY IS BEING ABUSED:
There are important things you should remember if you think that you or someone in your family is being abused. These include:

-The person who is being violent may try to make you feel responsible, ashamed or guilty about what is happening at home. You are not to blame for their actions – what they have done is wrong. It is not your fault and it’s not a special secret. Family violence is a crime.

-Don’t believe them if they say something bad will happen to you if you tell someone about what is happening at home. There are people who will listen and can help you

-Keeping family violence a secret is unsafe. It’s okay to tell someone and it will help you and your family to become more safe.

-Nothing is so awful that it can’t be talked about.

-Help is available.

STAY SAFE!:
Talk to people – find someone you can trust and who will listen to you. It might be someone in your family, your friends’ parents, a counselor, your teacher, the police or another trusted adult. They will help protect you.

Keep on telling different people – if you feel you are not being heard or your problem is not being fixed, keep telling people until someone takes some action and you feel safe. Don’t stop telling because you have not yet been listened to.

Remember that your body belongs to you – no one should touch any part of your body in a way that makes you feel scared or confused or hurt. This includes your private body parts. It is okay to firmly tell someone to STOP if they are touching you in a way that hurts or makes you feel confused or uncomfortable.

Know the difference between safe and unsafe touching – some touching is friendly and helpful such as hugging friends and family members, holding hands with a friend, play wrestling with your brother or giving your sister a shoulder massage.

What to do if someone you know is being abused:

-Listen and believe your friend and offer them comfort, understanding and support.

-Try not to appear shocked.

-Encourage them to tell an adult they trust or to report it to the police and let them know you will accompany them if they want.

-Don’t keep it to yourself, tell an adult you trust. It is important that your friend is made safe and that the abuse does not continue to happen

-Give your friend phone numbers of services who can help and details of online resources such as the Bursting the Bubble website.

If You or anyone you know is being abused Please reach out to help or for help. Help is out there! No one should have to be abused! Especially Children!
Also you can call the Kids Helpline at 1800-55-1800

Victim Tips: Men

RAISE YOUR VOICE!

Take the violence seriously. Many men are inclined to find it amusing when the "little woman" lashes out at them. (In one survey of college students, 20 percent of men who had been attacked by their girlfriends thought it was funny.) Violence that seems harmless at first can escalate. The first time she hits you, tell her that if there's a second time, it will be the last time she sees you - and act on it. Do NOT hit back! If you're an average sized man and your partner is an average sized woman, you can do major damage with a single blow. You will feel much better about yourself if you don't retaliate. However, physically restraining the batterer is ordinarily not an acceptable alternative. In some state that is also considered illegal. 

Don't keep it a secret. If you cannot easily leave (because of the children, for example) let someone know what is happening. Overcome the embarrassment and call the police. Talk to a counselor, to your doctor, to family members.Speak out about your experience as a victim of abuse. Perhaps domestic violence would no longer be perceived as merely a woman's issue.

Children and The Effects Of Domestic Violence

RAISE YOUR VOICE!

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear. Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused..They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent. Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home. Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

 Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home.

Potential Effects:

Emotional:

-Grief for family and personal losses.-
-Shame, guilt, and self blame.
-Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents.
-Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury.
-Anger.
-Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
-Embarrassment.


Behavioral:

-Acting out or withdrawing.
-Aggressive or passive.
-Refusing to go to school.
-Care taking; acting as a parent substitute.
-Lying to avoid confrontation.
-Rigid defenses.
-Excessive attention seeking.
-Bedwetting and nightmares.
-Reduced intellectual competency.


Social:
-Isolation from friends and relatives.
-Stormy relationships.
-Difficulty in trusting, especially adults.
-Poor anger management and problem solving skills.
-Excessive social involvement to avoid home.
-Passivity with peers or bullying.
-Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.


Physical:
-Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches.
-Nervous, anxious, short attention span.
-Tired and lethargic.
-Frequently ill.
-Poor personal hygiene.
-Regression in development.
-High risk play.
-Self abuse

5 types Of Domestic Violence

RAISE YOUR VOICE!

Physical Abuse: The use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured.

-Does your partner push, hit or choke you?
-Does your partner threaten to hurt you with a weapon?
I.E:
-Non-consensual rough play (i.e. martial arts, MMA, self-defense techniques.)
-Abuse that results in lacerations, broken bones, internal injuries, or miscarriage

Emotional Abuse: Can be verbal or nonverbal.

-Does your partner continually criticize you, call you names?
-Does your partner make all decisions for you?
I.E:
-Humiliating partners in private or public
-Taking car keys, cell phone, or other means of communication away

Financial Abuse: May include withholding resources, stealing from the victim, or using the victims name to cause debt.

-Does your partner force you to work, or refuse to let you work?
-Do you feel financially dependent on your partner?
I.E:
-Having all bank accounts in the abuser’s name
-Assigning an allowance (often very small or unrealistic cost of living)

Sexual Abuse is often linked to physical abuse; they may occur together, or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse

-Does your partner minimize the importance of your feelings about sex?

-Does your partner force unwanted sex acts?

I.E:

-Birth control sabotage

-Forcing a partner to become a sex worker or prostitute

Spiritual Abuse: Is anything that comes in the way of you doing something or feeling good about yourself.

-Does your partner not allow you to practice your morals/religious beliefs or culture/values?

-Do you feel that you have given up things that are important you?

If You or anyone you know are going through any of these, Call The National Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-799-7233

Overlooked (The Men's Side)

Domestic violence is considered one of the most pressing issues in American society. Everyone quotes the statistics given by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1 in 4 women will be victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, 1.3 million women are assaulted by their partner every year, 85% of domestic violence reported is against women. However, in 2010 a survey taken by the CDC (Center of Disease Control), It was found that 40% of severe physical Domestic Violence victims were men. Despite many findings that show almost equal amounts of abuse perpetrated against men and women, the media and government focus the most attention on the female victims of domestic violence.  Men are largely silent on the issue because of the perception that men are physically stronger and should be able to subdue a female attacker easily. Those men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed, both by law enforcement and by the public, than women are. More money is spent on women’s programs, and more crusades are launched on behalf of women who are victims of domestic violence despite the fact that men are almost equally or in some cases more likely to be victims of both physical and psychological abuse. Although there has been an increase in the number of fatal domestic violence incidents against women, men are more likely to be victims of attacks with a deadly weapon. According to one study, 63% of males as opposed to 15% of females had a deadly weapon used against them in a fight with an intimate partner. 

What is worse than the statistics you ask? It is the fact that there has been little research in the area of domestic abuse against men because neither the Justice Department nor any other agencies will fund such research. Because they refuse to do the research, people are able to perpetuate such myths as women are only violent when defending themselves, or that men could more easily leave a violent relationship. Because of lack of funding, there are also few shelters that cater to men. Most shelters available will only take women and children, and some even have an age limit on the boys that they will take in 13 year olds.

SO PLEASE RAISE YOUR VOICE FOR ALL ASPECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! WOMEN ARE NOT THE ONLY VICTIMS!!!

Signs That Your Partner Is Gaslighting You

What Is Gaslighting:
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic which certain types of personalities use to create doubt in the minds of others. Here’s how it works and what to watch out for.


You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"

You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."

You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.

You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."

Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

         If these happen then GET OUT!! It will only get worse if it already hasn't!                             

Your Inner Thoughts And Feelings

Do you:

- feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

- avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

- feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

- believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

- believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

- feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

- humiliate or yell at you?

- criticize you and put you down?

- treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

- ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

- blame you for their own abusive behavior?

- see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner:

- have a bad and unpredictable temper?

- hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

- threaten to take your children away or harm them?

- threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

- force you to have sex?

- destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

- act excessively jealous and possessive?

- control where you go or what you do?

- keep you from seeing your friends or family?

- limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

- constantly check up on you?

PLEDGE TO END DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

Sign The Pledge! Pledge to Stop Domestic Violence on Men, Women and children EVERYWHERE!! #Support
https://www.causes.com/campaigns/76348-raise-awareness-to-end-domestic-violence

How does Domestic Violence Effect Children?

Children get hurt when they see their parents being yelled at, pushed, or hit. They may feel confusion, stress, fear, shame, or think that they caused the problem. A third of all children who see their mothers beaten develop emotional problems. Boys who see their fathers beat their mothers are ten times more likely to be abusive in their adult intimate relationships(cycle). Also Girls tend to see that this is how a guy should treat them (Cycle). Children may exhibit emotional problems, cry excessively, or be withdrawn or shy. Children also may have a difficulty making friends or have a fear of adults. Children who are experiencing this stress may show it indifferent ways, including difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea. Children who grow up in violent homes have much higher risks of becoming drug or alcohol abusers or being involved in abusive relationships, as a batterer or a victim. Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by violence in the home. In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace the love, comfort, and nurturing children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. Based on interviews with children in battered women's shelters, 85% of children had stayed twice with friends or relatives because of the violence, and 75% over the age of 15 had run away at least twice. Maria Roy, Children in the Crossfire, 1988.